Personal

A Pattern I Have Noticed In Myself

Like so many other people, one of my resolutions this year was to eat less crap and do more exercise. Partly to lose weight, but partly just to make myself feel more human and less like a potato.

The exercise thing actually started last year, and continued pretty well, so it’s more of a keeping-going than a starting-up.

The eating thing, though… well, food and I have never really been friends.

But I was doing quite well. I seemed to have pushed myself gradually out of the habit of craving terrible things and had started craving much better things, that were mainly green and made of plant.

This was exciting, and I was quite enjoying it. It gave me more energy, and that in turn meant that when it came to Gym-Time every day, I was much more likely to actually show up.

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Then the other day, I went to my friend’s birthday at a burger place. I had a burger, because everyone was having a burger, and I hate drawing attention to myself.

I should interject here that I find socialising exhausting. I am very, very far to the extreme of the introvert side of the scale, and even when it’s an occasion I’ve enjoyed, I generally still feel tired for at least a couple of days afterwards.

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So when I woke up on Tuesday morning, I was tired. Despite being tired, I stuck to my healthy breakfast, but because I was tired, I didn’t really enjoy it, because I just wanted to go back to bed.

Then I had a couple of days that involved not enough sleep and too much socialising for my liking. Then I worked a night shift, which I got back from at about 5.00 this morning.

And at some point during that period, my desire to make healthy decisions flew out the window.

On Tuesday night I tried to get home in time to go to the gym when my rehearsal finished, but by the time I got there, it was shut. So I went home, and instead of doing what I’d normally do after the gym (drink a smoothie, listen to the radio, go to bed early), I ended up having a couple of glasses of wine and going to bed in the early hours of the morning.

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Yesterday morning I woke up feeling like I hadn’t had enough sleep – because I hadn’t – and sat at my desk working all day, which is uncharacteristic because normally I’d get up and go for a walk in the middle of the afternoon, or do some form of exercise. But my mother’s coming to stay for a few days, and I wanted to have everything tied up before she arrives.

I wanted to go to the gym again, but then I had a sudden urgent call that lasted a long time, and then it was nearly time to go to my night shift, and the thought of making something to eat from scratch was just too much for my brain to deal with, so I had pizza and cheesy chips, which is neither plant-based nor green nor at all healthy, especially when it comes from a package in the freezer aisle.

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I also downed two Red Bulls before setting off for the night shift.

The night shift went well and I got home at about 5.00 this morning. I was tired but hungry, so I finished off the rest of the pizza and then went to bed, because at 5am I know that going to bed on a full stomach is a bad idea, but I do not give a shit.

I woke up four hours later, got up, and ended up having quiche for breakfast along with a cafetiere of coffee. Which is probably better than pizza and Red Bull, but only marginally.

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Now my mother is arriving this afternoon, I am overcaffeinated, badly nourished and still quite tired, and I suspect that I may make some more stupid decisions over the next few days while she’s here.

Next week, I will hopefully be able to get myself back into the good routine I’ve been in for about the past two months again – there’s no reason why I wouldn’t be able to pull that off.

But in the meantime, I thought it might be useful to write down the thought process (or lack thereof) that led me to spend this week stuffing my face with crap and virtually shooting caffeine into my veins.

Here’s to next week being a bit more moderate.

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