The Ridiculous Search Terms That Bring People Here

How do people end up on my blog? Not many of them do. Most of my readers are me, looking back through what I’ve written to berate myself about how stupid it sounds a few days later.

But some people read it. And some of them got here through some pretty odd keyword searches… 

The other day Emma posted about the keyword searches people had used to find her blog, so I thought I’d steal the idea and make my own list too.

First of all, some of the ones that make sense:

Now the ones that don’t make quite so much sense. Like these.

“There she is” – who? where? what? when? why? So many questions.

“How to respond when people offend you” – because apparently I am a fount of wisdom on such topics. In reality, I have no idea. I’m very difficult to offend, but usually when someone does it I just ignore them.

“Watch broccoli” – like, watch it boil? or…? I mean, I’m all for watching random things in the kitchen. The other day I watched sugar + whisky gradually being made into caramel and it was quite mesmerising. I also once discovered that if you take a video of the bubbles in my water filter and slow it down, it looks like a butterfly in an old film:

“Bill Bailey p*rnstar scar” – I kind of want to google this to see what people might have actually been searching for, and I also kind of don’t. Maybe he sustained an injury when he was being a prostitute robot from the future?

“Opera scar” – which is fair enough really, because my name is scar and I sing opera, but I doubt that’s what they were actually looking for. Can you get a scar from singing opera? Probably. That shit’s hard work.

“I have noticed a pattern” – who searches for this on google? I mean really. Surely you’d write in whatever pattern you’d noticed? Unless you wanted to learn how to notice a pattern, I suppose. But then wouldn’t you type ‘how to notice patterns’? I dunno. Humans remain a mystery to me.

“Avoidant men and nightclubs” – I don’t even know what you were looking for, sorry. Men avoiding nightclubs? Emotionally avoidant men ending up in them? Actually, that last one makes a lot of sense. But I don’t think I’ve ever written about it.

“How to confuse a Christian” – remarkably, I did actually write a post about that. I wasn’t aware people were going to use it as a guide, though.

“Thoughts on friends on whom we scar” – I guess this is what happens when you have a common word as your name. In terms of advice, I don’t really have any to give you, random googler. Except that sometimes we’re all assholes, so maybe own up to that and see if your friends forgive you?

“Born to be a wanderer and make it look good” – why, thank you. *preens*

“When u need someone but” – but what? But they’re not there? But you’re not there? Random googler, RUOK?

So, there you have it. My top keywords over the past year. How did you end up here?


  1. This is quite funny 😂 most of my audience just find me through WordPress or my social media account (then again I am a very small blog) I had someone search for ‘amazon’ to get their way onto my blog once, I don’t think I’ve ever typed the word amazon on my blog. Baffled.

    Liked by 1 person

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