Because it’s 5.40 on a Saturday morning, I’ve been working for two hours, and I’m just about young enough to be one of those people who did loads of MySpace quizzes when they were fifteen.
10 facts about your house
(1) The previous occupant had an obsession with wallpaper and I haven’t yet gotten around to redecorating, so everything is still covered in fairly random-looking bits of wallpaper, including the doors.
(2) This is not the first time I have lived in this house.
(3) The bathroom has no ventilation system other than opening the window. The shower is in front of the window. This means that if you’re having a shower, you have a choice between being able to breathe, and people not seeing you naked.
(4) Right now I’m trying to move to a different house.
(5) I have three sheds, but one of them has been locked the entire time I’ve lived here and I don’t have a key. I have no idea what’s inside.
(6) A spider (or possibly several spiders) recently gave birth to a load of other spiders somewhere in my house, and now I’m living among a colony of them. This is not fun.
(7) I used to have a woodlouse infestation but luckily they seem to have moved on.
(8) There are birds living in my roof.
(9) My downstairs neighbour complained to the environmental health people, saying that I made too much noise. When asked to clarify, she had to explain that she just doesn’t like living below someone else and that all I do is make “normal living noise”. They told her to shut up or move.
(10) I have a nice garden with several fruit trees.
9 facts about your family
(1) One of my grandmothers is probably half-Aboriginal Australian.
(2) One of my grandmothers met my grandfather when she was travelling through France with a troupe of Gypsies. He was very rich. They fell in love and ran away to England when his family wouldn’t let them be together.
(3) When my grandparents got married, she was 19 and he was 53.
(4) My grandfather moved to England and bought half of a town here, then gambled all his money away until he ended up living in a bedsit.
(5) My other grandfather is an obsessive hoarder. He has kept pretty much everything he’s bought since he moved into his house 53 years ago. This includes things like margarine tubs, which take up so much space in his kitchen that you can’t open the door properly.
(6) I have 43 cousins.
(7) My family is very multilingual and it’s quite normal at family functions for people to switch from one language into another in the middle of a sentence.
(8) My mother’s hobbies include prentending to be a frog, looking at pictures of stairs and sitting in swarms of bees.
(9) My daughter has auditioned for the X Factor.
8 facts about your body
(1) I’ve been dyeing my hair for so long that I’m not sure whether the roots are actually grey or if they just look that way.
(2) I have back-to-front hipbones.
(3) My feet turn in when I walk (because of the back-to-front hipbones).
(4) My body seems to be intolerant to most things. Recent developments include alcohol and eye make-up.
(5) When I was at my thinnest I had a 21-inch waist.
(6) When I was at my fattest I had a 44-inch waist.
(7) My eyes change colour depending on my mood.
(8) My immune system does not function correctly.
7 facts about your childhood
(1) When I was four years old, our roof fell in during a storm. My mother had to hoover bits of ceiling up from the carpet. It is the first time I remember feeling like my life was a bit upside-down.
(2) I would occasionally decide on a new nickname and refuse to answer to anything else. These usually had some kind of animal theme.
(3) Neither of my parents had an actual job throughout the whole of my childhood.
(4) I was on the county swimming team and our school netball team, which also competed at county level. I’m not sure where this sporty side of me went.
(5) I was never afraid of the dark, or of monsters.
(6) When I was 7 I wrote a feature for the local newspaper.
(7) My best friend lived upstairs from me. I had a set of walkie-talkies which we used to talk to each other at night.
6 facts about your home town
(1) I have moved house almost as many times as the number of years I’ve been alive, so I’ve never really had a hometown.
(2) The town I was born has a very nice clock tower where I have slept on a number of occasions.
(3) The place where I spent a significant portion of my childhood had a number of local tragedies, including a school shooting and someone who murdered people whilst dressed as a film character.
(4) I became obsessed with the history of the place I lived in when I was twelve, and spent a summer finding out as much local history as I could. I never told anyone or did anything with the knowledge.
(5) The place where I lived as a teenager has a ton of really cool shops, and window-shopping was one of my favourite hobbies when I lived there.
(6) A significant number of the places I’ve lived in have been near the ocean.
5 facts about your best friend
(1) We went to the same gig years ago but we didn’t know each other at the time.
(2) We were really similar as teenagers and I wish we’d known each other then.
(3) He’s a photographer.
(4) I used to be his boss.
(5) He’s fucking awesome.
4 facts about your parents
(1) When my mother was 35, she had a massive argument with my grandmother because she was convinced she was still 25, and when my grandmother told her that wasn’t true she got really angry with her.
(2) My dad passed on to me his taste in music and his obsession with F1 and fast driving in general.
(3) Before they were married, they were driving home from a gig one night when my dad lost control of the car and rammed it into a shop. They drove home and thought they’d gotten away with it until the police turned up the next day. Apparently they’d damaged the foundations of the shop and the entire road had to be closed off. The police knew who’d done it because their number plate had fallen off outside the shop and neither of them had thought to check.
(4) My mother has nine siblings.
3 facts about your personality
(1) I’m pretty patient but I get irritated when people just expect things not to bother me. I am aware that this is a bit paradoxical.
(2) I don’t really like spending time with people, but for some reason when I’m with them I seem to give the impression that I do, so people who don’t know me well assume that I’m really sociable and invite me to loads of things that I then have to spend ages trying to get out of.
(3) I enjoy reason, logic, science and solitude.
2 facts about your favorite things
(1) My cat is quite sensitive and hates it when anything changes.
(2) An ocean is a body of saline water that composes much of a planet’s hydrosphere.
1 fact about the person you like
(1) We discovered we liked each other when a brief introductory conversation accidentally turned into a six-hour long conversation about philosophy.